From Here
by JEN MICHALSKI
The man, Alfredo, is from Colorado, visiting his sister. “Nothing much to do but sleep, sit in the springs.” He gazes out at Turtleback Mountain from where he is submerged next to Linney in one of the mineral baths. “But you already know that, being from here.”
It’s been a long time since Linney has been “from here,” but she knows what Alfredo means. It is why she is “from here” no more. As she drove into New Mexico last night from El Paso International Airport, the landscape was black, a cloth of velvet pushpinned by stars, keeping its secrets. Such suspense for nothing, she always liked to think; when she woke up this morning at her father’s hostel/mineral springs on the Rio Grande and jogged out along Interstate 25, not a car passed her for twenty-five minutes. In the quiet November morning tumbleweeds pinwheeled across the road; cacti dotted the earth around her, holding their arms in surrender.
Waving men, Hok’ee always called them. Linney wonders if Hok’ee knows she is here. He always had a way of sensing her presence, finding her on the exact day she was home for Christmas or spring break. Something her father never seemed to know. He’d look up in surprise from the bathroom of the guest trailer, one of three on the sprawling, shanty hostel grounds, where he would be feeding a plumber’s snake into a toilet bowl or fiddling with the shower head. His long, grey hair would fall out of its ponytail, covering his eyes, blue and flat like metal. Linney, you shoulda let me know. He would drop the snake, the wrench, wiping his hands on his jeans. I would have picked you up at the airport. She always had called; he’d always forgotten.
Alfredo shifts his compact body in the bath; his belly, pillow shaped and curving out from under his breastbone, protrudes above the water before descending. He is the color of caramel; eyebrows like inky caterpillars nearly meet across the top of his eyes. Linney imagines him eating tortillas and beans with his sister at the taqueria in town, his cheeks puffed like a squirrel’s, his onyx eyes flittering under dark eyelashes.
“You don’t like to relax,” he says after she rearranges her limbs, pale, spindly, for the millionth time, from the other side of the tub. Each of the three tubs holds six people, and she is still irritated that although they are only ones here, Alfredo’s leg, arm, sometimes brushes hers. “You need to come back here more often.”
“Here is why I’m like this,” she answers, wanting a cigarette. She and Hok’ee used to smoke in the baths, after they were closed to the public and hostel guests. Not cigarettes, of course. In the dark they would sit in one of the tubs, the water draining, drying minerals lacquered to their skin, and share a joint. Turtleback Mountain stood between them and the rest of the world.
“You wanna climb the mountain?” His arm draped around her shoulders, he would exhale smoke the size of a raincloud into the night.
“Not tonight,” she’d answer, kissing his neck, rubbing the tips of his shiny black hair between her fingers. For years he’d worn it past his shoulders, tying it in a ponytail during football season. She had heard from her father that his mother cut it off after the accident. She was not sure if it was for Hok’ee’s sake or his mother’s. He’s not, you know, retarded now or anything, her father explained over the phone after Hok’ee flipped his truck outside of Silver City last summer. He’s just different.
“What are you, a big-city girl?” Alfredo again. He is harmless, but Linney hates telling the story over and over.
“I live in Brooklyn. The dead-time here...takes some getting used to.”
“I guess you weren’t ever used to it,” Alfredo smiles. His front tooth is gold. It glints when he turns, like a revolver in someone’s waistband. “You left the first time, didn’t you?”
“I hadn’t planned on coming back,” she agrees, standing up.
She may have come back once, she surmises. For Hok’ee. To take Hok’ee back, before he became lost to her.
Now, she is here for her father. The baths begin to get more crowded as the hostel guests emerge from the half moon of trailers and the twelve-person dormitory her father and Hok’ee made from cinder blocks and wood many summers ago. Hippie graffiti?suns and peace symbols and marijuana plants?has grown over the cement since her last trip. The hostel on the river also has grown organically throughout the years, more so during her absence. Now, there is a tepee housing God knows what, new picnic tables and a fire pit in the center, a volleyball net.
She folds herself into her towel as Alfredo looks out over the river, Turtleback Mountain. For years, until she was fourteen, she didn’t even know what was on the other side.
After a shower, Linney will take her father up to Albuquerque for his radiation therapy. At one time, the cancer had been contained in his liver. But at some point, after visualization therapy and meditation and kombuca tea, it had spread to his bones. And he called her.
The main trailer is halved?one side houses the check-in; the other her father’s living quarters. Linney sits on the green canvas couch out front as the stringy-haired receptionist smiles at her indecisively. The Grateful Dead plays on a small CD player, and the girl sways as Jerry Garcia sings about Annie Bonneau from St. Angel.
“Linney, have you met Skye?” Her father emerges from the back room. Under his poncho he is thinner than an erector model. His hair is gone, and Linney can see the pale outline of baby skin under his Bailey hat. “She’s our new day clerk.”
“I’m Ross’s daughter,” Linney says, for clarity. Although she is pretty sure her father stopped sleeping with the college dropout drifters that worked at the hostel in exchange for room and board. Skye places an old thermos mug on the counter.
“I made you some green tea with mint, Ross.” Skye smiles, and Linney wonders why Skye or Hallow or Ripple or whoever doesn’t drive her father to Albuquerque. What he wanted with her. They walk out to the gravel lot, and behind trailer 1, which has the newest beds and plumbing, she thinks she sees Hok’ee, beating out carpets on the old laundry line. It is always his eyes, dark marbles that pressed on her shoulders and rolled in her stomach, that she sees first, then his hair, his body lean and tough like jerky. But when she stops and walks back to the place she spotted him, there are only carpets, old beaded rugs and Guatemalan blankets doubling as rugs and curtains hanging, the dust agitated around them.
“I gave Hok’ee a job here,” her father says in the truck, seeming to read her thoughts. He holds the thermos in his lap like a bowling ball. “The resort let him go.”
“That was nice of you.” She wonders if he saw her when she got in last night, if he followed her during her jog this morning. Why he didn’t come see her.
“It was certainly nice of me to give him a job after working for Turtleback Mountain Resort,” her father laughs. It is small, squirrely. One of the things Linney likes about him. “But, never fear, Linney. We’ve been around long before them and we’ll be here long after their speculative corporate weasel asses go bankrupt.”
“They try to buy you out again?” Linney spots a donut shop and aims the Ford truck, old and creaky and as easy to maneuver as a parade float, to its drive-thru. She orders a coffee and a bagel then feels guilty, knowing her father cannot eat before his treatments. She pushes the thin cardboard cup into the plastic coffee holder and unfolds the wax paper on her lap. There is a crack in the windshield that spiderwebs over the passenger window.
“Yep. Once a month they send their snake oil salesman down.” He sips at the tea. “Always say it’s their last offer. It never is, but it’s always a little less. Still more than anybody should pay for my little shantytown.”
“I don’t understand what the point is of having two of the same resort on either side of Turtleback Mountain.”
“Well, that’s just it. They surround Turtleback Mountain, and they sort of de facto own it. Plus, with their proximity to Elephant Butte, they’d practically own everything people come to the town for. Then they become the town and drive little Ms. Diaz’s tacqueria shop out of business and the thrift store and the coffee shop and then it’s one big fucking ghost town DisneyWorld. They ain’t never gonna buy RiverView from me.”
Her stomach sinks. It must occur to her father that, by her lack of visits, mention of RiverView in her e-mails, that she has no interest in its survival or demise. But maybe he thinks because she’s here, driving him to his treatment, maybe things will be different. Maybe she will fall in love again with her childhood home. From here, it must look different than shiny, dirty New York. Up the ribbon of road a crow glides, landing on a tire carcass. It pokes its beak at the rubber entrails.
*
At the University of New Mexico Health Sciences Center, Linney’s father jokes with the nurses and introduces Linney.
“I see the resemblance,” Everly, the radiation nurse, smiles. She reminds Linney of an empanada, warm and brown and doughy. She wishes she weren’t still so hungry when her father is so fleeting of substance, so slippery and thin. She remembers when she and Hok’ee tried to paint the walls of her paneled bedroom when she was fourteen. The purple paint smeared and streaked and would not catch, would not bond with the varnished particle board. They smeared it with her hands before wiping it off with a damp towel. She and her father lived in a house then, a few blocks over from the hostel. He sold the house when she left for Columbia University, and put the money into the hostel.
Everly takes her father through the double doors and Linney sits down in the empty waiting room. The floor is buffed like water, the sun cutting through the big slats of old-fashioned blinds that cover the windows. There is too much emptiness here not to think, which is why she likes New York. One must multitask, overwork. Hurry. Be alert. Linney wonders if her father resents her mother’s genes in her, that genetic sequence that itched her to travel, to move, to work for a small clothing house doing PR, after he had trained Linney for years to watch the sky, watch the moon, listen to the earth. Be very, very still.
She goes outside and fumbles through her purse for her cigarettes. She lights one and opens her phone to check her e-mails, not believing she has lived the past 24 hours with the shitty reception at the hostel. According to Facebook, her friends back in Brooklyn are eating at the new Russian place tonight in Williamsport. Peter has texted her: hope your father is okay. She and Peter are not quite up to calling yet, although Linney wonders if she will break the protocol on this trip. On their second date, he mentioned maybe taking her to Vermont to ski at Sugarbush in January. Perhaps he wasn’t really thinking that far ahead. She tries not to read too much into things, like the phone calls and hang-ups she received a few weeks before leaving for New Mexico.
If the calls were from Hok’ee, she could never figure out. The phone number was private, probably a calling card. She wonders how she looked to him back at the hostel, ten pounds thinner, her baby flesh scraped out of her face by cigarettes and espresso and four hours’ sleep. By New York, its vampire energy. Its bite was so quick, so fleeting. So much time was spent waiting for the next graze of its teeth. She wonders why it is so hard to think of him now, her ex, so close, his name on her lips, a forbidden word.
She goes back inside, reading but not reading an old Time magazine until the double doors swing open.
“You make sure he drinks fluids and gets rest.” Everly guides her father back to the waiting room. He is crumpled like laundry; his eyes follow something in the room, perhaps a reflection of light. “He always tries to go back to work too soon.”
“Don’t worry. I’m here now,” Linney says. Her father’s elbow travels from Everly’s to hers, his weight shifted, and Linney and her father walk outside into the high sun.
“They kill you, telling you they’re trying to save you.” Her father toes the ground like a deer, to the truck. His hand grips hers. “They just need to let me be.”
“The therapy is proven,” Linney answers vaguely. For time, she thinks, and time only. A little bit more time together, to pack all the rawness between them with gauze. “The other stuff you tried wasn’t.”
“It’s all in here.” He points to his chest. “And maybe here says it’s time.”
“Do you think it’s time?” She folds her father’s hands in his lap, pushes on them. She remembers when he sang to her, on those days when she was home sick. Old Indian songs she cannot remember now.
“If I had a say, don’t you think I’d want to live forever?” He laughs. Linney laughs, too. She pictures him, in his lawn chair overlooking Turtleback Mountain, a smiling skeleton, the wind humming through his bones.
*

